Our Guardians

Whether you believe in God, angels, aliens, etc., every single one of us walking on this earth has a guardian. Usually, when you hear the definition of “guardian” most of the time it refers to something mysterious or spiritual. The guardian might be a friend, parent or close relative that is no longer walking on this sacred earth.

I had an experience the other evening while I was at a casino in Palm Springs that was a little bit out of the ordinary. I was also there with my good friend, Sheila, that I went to high school with 25 years ago. Now, what makes this story odd is Joe (a person I met in the casino) did not know me from Adam. Yet, what he did know was that I have an extremely important person (i.e. Sheila) in my life.  It was almost as if Joe was dropped out of a spaceship just for that moment of time to explain why Shelia has come (or returned) into my life at this certain history of time. Everything that came out of Joe’s mouth made complete and perfect sense to me.

Do you ever feel there are certain moments in this strange life that people enter to carry a message to you, even if it’s just in passing? Well, I certainly believe my big guardian (my grandfather) put Sheila in my life now and he had to send Joe down to tell me to wake the f#%k up with this woman.  Appreciate her, be kind and respectful, and do not take whatever this friendship is for granted. And as Joe went on his way; he left me with this song playing in my head.

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Look Around…

“But look around
The leaves are brown
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter……”  Courtesy of the Bangles.

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“Seasons change with the scenery
Weaving time in a tapestry
Won’t you stop and remember me…….”

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AA IS NOT YOUR THERAPY OFFICE

I made a mistake today at the AA nooner by actually expressing my feelings.  I guess I embarrassed myself and did quite a decent job at it.  God forbid if I’m a 41 year old, divorced, insane single white male on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  I thought AA was a place to feel safe and discuss how you feel?

A friend told me to read the big book and to come back and (if I decide to come back) discuss AA related topics.  I guess feeling insecure, miserable, not safe, and totally delusional does not meet the standards of the good ole’ Big Book.  To top that off, I get some smart ass sharing after me, pointing me out, saying “I had no idea I would be sitting next to a paranoid 41 year old.”   F*$K YOU!  I thought AA was suppose to be welcoming, warm, and non-judgmental? That man makes me want to drink myself to Space Mountain.  But, I know better.  I guess I drove into the wrong parking lot and walked into the wrong room this afternoon.  I should of drove a bit further, pass the courthouse, take a right, and save how I feel for my therapist.

This was the first time (well, like ever) where I walked out of a meeting feeling worse than when walking in.  Should it be this way?  Maybe I was thinking too much of what to say to hopefully get a few laughs when I was called upon. I definitely failed at that and made an asshole of myself.  Some times the fellowship and AA have a reverse effect.  Oh well, I just have to say “f@#k it, and shake it off” like my baseball coach would tell me after throwing a wild pitch at some kids head.  I’m struggling right now, but I’m going to give sobriety a chance and not let my fellow AAer’s bring me down.  Move forward I guess.  I think I need to meet a “drugstore cowgirl that is so afraid of getting bored.”  Well, I leave myself open because I’m a beautiful disaster.  Take it or leave it.

These lyrics are dedicated to the old gentlemen who does not care I am a human being with actual feelings.  “The one with old wood creaking that would burn away right on cue, I try to be not like that but some people really suck….”

My Little Band

Ok, so I normally do not promote my music. Hell, I do enough talking about myself, which I’m not all too comfortable with, writing this blog. I been tapping my skull for a week trying to figure out this dog piece I want to write about.  I guess that can wait until next week. Since this is a first, I thought I would share it with everyone.

This is the first music video I have ever made for youtube.  It features my instrumental band, The Reunion. This track is called Barcelona off our 3rd album, Closure (2002). The pictures were taken from a trip when I was in Barcelona, Spain. I hope you like it.  Enjoy!

Needs and Wants

“We don’t really have to look to far to realize we have everything we need.” 

I just have to say this to myself.  I need to drill this in my stubborn head head when things don’t exactly go my way.  What do we do actually need out of this strange thing called life?  First, the basics are essential: food, air, shelter, etc.  Those needs are a given.  Being a recovering addict; I always have something to complain about, am not grateful, think it’s what’s in for me, and take advantage of these everyday needs.

ALL I REALLY WANT!

 

Dam right!  This life isn’t always a disco or a country club.  OK, I have to admit,  I’ve had a hell of a lot of fun up until I was around 32.  College, LSD, vacations, girlfriends, countless insane nights with the bands, early beer buzzes in the morning.  You get the idea.  Throw in all the alcohol and drugs; common ancient recipe for becoming one hot mess.   Everyone around me saw were I was headed, but I didn’t   A landslide came over me!

All GOOD THINGS MUST END

Fast forward eleven years later.  Hell and Demons came out (the fun was long gone as I became party for one) for the next decade.  Divorced, bad business decisions, death of some loyal dogs, and the lost of my precious grandfather.  His death effected me deeper than I thought.  I was his caretaker for three years; watching him slowly die in front of me was not an easy task.  That caused stress obviously.  I went into total isolation which I refer to as the “the dark years”.  My addiction reached an all-time high with the drudgery of chemicals.

Go For Whatever You Want

 

Being sober is priority; making me re-prioritize.  What do I want today?  Easy.  Sobriety of course.  Love or a healthy relationship (we can dream right?)  Travel to more exotic places and world peace.  And just to live that “Simple Kind of Life” as Gwen Stefani points out.  Oh, and a beach house in Todos Santos, Mexico; a plus!  But, first and foremost, SERENITY.  Is this too much to ask for?  We shall see, we shall see.

 

 

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Sobriety isn’t all so bad.  Patches and I enjoying his final race after an amazing 10 year flyball career.

Three Songs That Will Make You Smile!!

I must admit when it comes to music lately, I am a true, blue fan of female front women.  Coming from a heavy metal, jam band background, you maybe surprised I say this.  There’s just something about a female’s voice that eases the mind and soul.  And with this past year full of carnival rides in my life; I truly need that solace that this type of music brings.  So far, 2014 has brought some extremely catchy songs from female artists.  I present my top three favorite songs of 2014 from female musicians (in no particular order).  And the winners are:

 

CHRISTINA PERRI.  BURNING GOLD.  There’s something about that line, “I had enough” that rings true to my life when it comes to drugs and alcohol.  It’s definitely not ironic.

 

SIA. CHANDELIER.  This tune puts the C in Catchy.  You will be singing “One, two, three, one, two, three…”  all the way down the highway.

 

ECHOSMITH. COOL KIDS.  Not only does this song get my vote for top three, but this band (all siblings from California) wins me over, hands down, for favorite band.

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“She thinks she missed the train to Mars……”

I am 41 years old.  I am currently undergoing a mid-life crises, going crazy, or in the middle of a nervous breakdown.  If that is the given situation?  Oh well, so be it.  No one is perfect, right?

There is one major factor I notice a lot with people in recovery.  (Maybe this thought contributes to my state of mind at the moment).  Addicts and alcoholics just love to talk about themselves.  A case of total, undeniable narcissism.  And yes,  I definitely fall under this category.  Find me an AA or Na meeting where a fellow alcoholic isn’t dying to tell their story; and I would tell you that you’re shit out of luck!

Yes, all these programs with an A in it that fight the horrors and trials of constant addiction are truly unreal, selfish fucking programs.  It’s all about ME, ME, ME!  Look at ME!  Listen to me!  How many “likes” or comments can I get on my Twitter or Facebook page!  Come on people, LOOK AT ME!

For me personally, yes I do like and enjoy these “A” programs.  And sure, with my history, I do need them and do attend these meetings.  But honestly, I’d rather know if  “she’s out back counting stars…”   Until next time, Enjoy!