I made a mistake today at the AA nooner by actually expressing my feelings. I guess I embarrassed myself and did quite a decent job at it. God forbid if I’m a 41 year old, divorced, insane single white male on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I thought AA was a place to feel safe and discuss how you feel?
A friend told me to read the big book and to come back and (if I decide to come back) discuss AA related topics. I guess feeling insecure, miserable, not safe, and totally delusional does not meet the standards of the good ole’ Big Book. To top that off, I get some smart ass sharing after me, pointing me out, saying “I had no idea I would be sitting next to a paranoid 41 year old.” F*$K YOU! I thought AA was suppose to be welcoming, warm, and non-judgmental? That man makes me want to drink myself to Space Mountain. But, I know better. I guess I drove into the wrong parking lot and walked into the wrong room this afternoon. I should of drove a bit further, pass the courthouse, take a right, and save how I feel for my therapist.
This was the first time (well, like ever) where I walked out of a meeting feeling worse than when walking in. Should it be this way? Maybe I was thinking too much of what to say to hopefully get a few laughs when I was called upon. I definitely failed at that and made an asshole of myself. Some times the fellowship and AA have a reverse effect. Oh well, I just have to say “f@#k it, and shake it off” like my baseball coach would tell me after throwing a wild pitch at some kids head. I’m struggling right now, but I’m going to give sobriety a chance and not let my fellow AAer’s bring me down. Move forward I guess. I think I need to meet a “drugstore cowgirl that is so afraid of getting bored.” Well, I leave myself open because I’m a beautiful disaster. Take it or leave it.
These lyrics are dedicated to the old gentlemen who does not care I am a human being with actual feelings. “The one with old wood creaking that would burn away right on cue, I try to be not like that but some people really suck….”