Month: December 2014

My Top Three Movie Picks of 2014

When we get sober, we do new things while discovering a whole new way of living.  For me, it’s going to the movies.

Many moons ago, I had a massive panic attack in a movie theater. This literally made my mind crippled.  That attack (which may of been drug induced as I went to this Austin Powers flick on methamphetamine after being up for several days) was the primary reason I stopped going to movies for over seven years.

Today, with beautiful sobriety under me, I can actually walk in a movie theater and not freak the fuck out. And, here’s the kicker. I go to the movies alone.  Although I would love a partner to go with, I am completely comfortable going alone. Going to the movies again is one of the promises that sobriety gives me.

So, here are my top three flick picks.  What’s yours?

1) Gone Girl.  Nothing beats watching Neal Patrick Harris getting his head sliced off.

2) Lucy. This film makes you really think. Plus, Scarlett Johansson is easy on the eyes.

3) The Giver. Great book. Great film. Plus, Meryl Streep and Jeff Bridges (The Dude) are two of the best actors in the business.

Yes, We Are Good Dogs.

Well, daddy accidentally made a mistake and booked a non pet hotel.  I am grateful my gremlins are well mannered. The front desk clerk gave us a “hall pass” and let us stay. I captured their moment, taking in “the good life.”

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My rockstars, Patches and Cali.

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AA IS NOT YOUR THERAPY OFFICE

I made a mistake today at the AA nooner by actually expressing my feelings.  I guess I embarrassed myself and did quite a decent job at it.  God forbid if I’m a 41 year old, divorced, insane single white male on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  I thought AA was a place to feel safe and discuss how you feel?

A friend told me to read the big book and to come back and (if I decide to come back) discuss AA related topics.  I guess feeling insecure, miserable, not safe, and totally delusional does not meet the standards of the good ole’ Big Book.  To top that off, I get some smart ass sharing after me, pointing me out, saying “I had no idea I would be sitting next to a paranoid 41 year old.”   F*$K YOU!  I thought AA was suppose to be welcoming, warm, and non-judgmental? That man makes me want to drink myself to Space Mountain.  But, I know better.  I guess I drove into the wrong parking lot and walked into the wrong room this afternoon.  I should of drove a bit further, pass the courthouse, take a right, and save how I feel for my therapist.

This was the first time (well, like ever) where I walked out of a meeting feeling worse than when walking in.  Should it be this way?  Maybe I was thinking too much of what to say to hopefully get a few laughs when I was called upon. I definitely failed at that and made an asshole of myself.  Some times the fellowship and AA have a reverse effect.  Oh well, I just have to say “f@#k it, and shake it off” like my baseball coach would tell me after throwing a wild pitch at some kids head.  I’m struggling right now, but I’m going to give sobriety a chance and not let my fellow AAer’s bring me down.  Move forward I guess.  I think I need to meet a “drugstore cowgirl that is so afraid of getting bored.”  Well, I leave myself open because I’m a beautiful disaster.  Take it or leave it.

These lyrics are dedicated to the old gentlemen who does not care I am a human being with actual feelings.  “The one with old wood creaking that would burn away right on cue, I try to be not like that but some people really suck….”

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Maybe that’s why I’m Jaded?

I’d like to point out something here that I really never realized while I was married.  Watch this opening scene from the movie “Closer” to the Seether video.  Now, this was a typical conversation I would have from time to time with my ex-wife.  Bing, Zoom, Bam, light bulb just went off in my demented brain.  No wonder I am jaded when it comes to falling in another relationship; although it would be nice to go to movies with someone besides myself once in a while.

I’m definitely not saying this was my ex-wife’s fault.  I had quite the role to play in this twisted behavior.  By no means was I a saintly altar boy in my failed marriage. Relationships are hard enough; top it off with drugs and alcohol (call out Bingo) and you and your partner are on a one way slide that isn’t headed towards Candyland.   I surely don’t regret my marriage and still love my ex-wife very much.  But, I have to ask myself why I did it?  Was it the thing to do at 32?  Was turning my childhood crush into a reality a smart, well thought out decision?  Or was I looking for something to fill the deep dark void that drugs and alcohol could not fill?  The third one sounds about right.

I firmly advocate if you are struggling with a major addiction, you should maybe take a backseat to that ideal life of love and romance.  They don’t suggest in AA to get sober the first year before diving into the “cat and mouse game” for no apparent reason.  There are solid reasons behind that valuable advice.  Give it time, get to know and understand yourself before deciding to make another person’s life wonderful or miserable. 

As for myself, I’ll continue to dance with “these guilty feet that got no rhythm.”